Invalidating childhood environments and core beliefs speed dating in kiev
Unfortunately, when someone disqualifies what they are saying in this manner, the other people listening are on shaky ground when trying to determine what is actually being communicated to them. In fact, just when listeners think they have a fix on it, such people may contradict themselves, leaving listeners to start to doubt their own perceptions about what was just said.In other words, when someone disqualifies themselves, they are often invalidating the person listening to them.In fact, I realized that my patient had been very good at getting me to sound just like her mother. They had had the exact same conversation over and over again. The mother’s comments in that context no longer sounded like appropriate concern but more like the mother’s obsession with her daughter and a compulsion to lecture the girl repeating the same things - constantly.That ties into the second point of this post, but more about that in a minute.In this case, if you seem to have a need to invalidate your kids, they will say a bunch of stupid stuff just so you can keep doing it.In the case of the patient I just described, for instance, she would keep telling her mother, “I’m fine.The “obsession” with the daughter had a very hidden component that my patient would have absolutely no way of knowing about. One of the main things I have learned over the years in dealing with dysfunctional families is that, when parents do the same thing over and over again in a compulsive manner, their children come to the conclusion that the parents need to keep doing whatever that is.
It suddenly occurred to me that, despite appearances, she might really have been thinking about a good deal of the time during the conversation.The two concepts are not just similar to each other, they go hand in hand!This leads to the proposition that when family members seem to be invalidating another family member, the apparent invalidators may really be disqualifying themselves.While certainly one can feel conflicted over those things, the focus of the analysts was far too narrow.Experiential therapists like Fritz Perls and Carl Rogers felt that a far more basic conflict was between one’s need to express one’s true nature () and doing what was expected by everyone else.